Archive for the ‘lookalikes’ Category

Lookalikes! Steelers Xmas Villains Edition

December 23, 2009

The last time the Ravens and Steelers met, it was Thanksgiving-time. The purple feasted on the Steelers’ backups, and, in true Thanksgiving fashion, forced them off the land of B’More and relegated them to the reservation of western Pennsyltucky. The Nest, in the spirit of the season, gave thanks for all the reasons we’re glad we aren’t Steelers fans.

This time around, its another Holiday, and another meeting with the Black-and-Yeller. What better time to use our weekly Lookalikes! to dive into the many ways in which the members of the Pittsburgh Football organization (past and present) hate Christmas, Santa Claus, the Salvation Army, Rudolph, and YOU?

Everyone’s favorite 24-hour marathon Christmas Movie, “A Christmas Story” featured antagonist bully Scott Farkus. I’m pretty sure that, at some point in his life, Farkus changed his name to “Rocky Boiman,” before learning to play football and signing with the Squealers.


Steelers’ owner/chairman (and United States Ambassador to Ireland) Dan Rooney is disgusted by the poor, puts orphanages out of business with his partner Marley, and will be visited by 3 ghosts on Christmas Eve. Or at least, he looks like (Jim Carrey’s) Ebenezer Scrooge, the guy I actually just described.


Former Shittsburgh Head Coach Bill Cowher, now that he has taken a break from coaching, has taken up magic. His stage name is “Professor Hinkle,” and if any snowmen come to life on the power of magic hats that belong to him, he will show no mercy to the snowman nor the children who love to watch him laugh and play, in his quest to gain back his hat.


Hines Ward is known for two things: Cheap shots, and smiles. You know who else likes to smile a lot? That’s right, guys that plan on stealing every Christmas present in ENTIRE TOWNS!

Hines Grinch

What Lookalikes! (or any Steeler-hating piece for that matter) would be complete without old faithful, Jeff Reed. We’ve been over the laundry list of stupid looking poses, dumb hairstyles, and drunken hijinks of Reed before, but until now, never realized that he was the “Heat Miser” in the Childrens’ classic, “The Year Without a Santa Claus.”


Now, since it’s Christmas and all, I’ll give a gift to any Steeler-fan vermin that happen to stumble upon this post.

The Ravens aren’t exempt from showing up in Christmas movies. Why, just the other day, I was watching “The Muppet Christmas Carol,” and, lo and behold, Joe Flacco!


Happy Holidays to all, and GO RAVENS!


Lookalikes! Bears Edition

December 17, 2009

Late/abbreviated edition of Lookalikes! this week gang. I apologize. The man be keepin’ me down.

Lions down, Tigers (Bengals) down,…next up, Bears!

Chicago tight end Greg Olsen and actor Steve Zahn:


Bears linebacker Lance Briggs and actor Mike Epps:


Wide receiver Earl Bennett and NBA player Greg “80 year old man” Oden:


And the best, quarterback Jay Cutler and his alter ego. We hope to see plenty of this pose from the sulky one on Sunday at M&T Bank Stadium:


Lookalikes! Lions Edition

December 10, 2009

We kick off the middle leg of our three-week NFC North Lookalike-fest with Detroit Lions punter Nick Harris, who looks a good bit like Andre from the great new FX show “The League.” Andre, who drafted Plaxico Burress this season, is apparently gettin’ freaky with “Shiva,” the namesake of the Fantasy Football League Trophy. I’m quite interested to see how this ends in tonight’s season finale.


Lions’ WR Bryant Johnson bears a striking resemblance to that other Gooding brother, Omar. Like his more famous brother, Cuba, Omar also peaked way too soon.


Everybody remember “Wild and Crazy Kids?” Man, what a show.

Back when we were young, kids had fun OUTSIDE, damn it. Sure, Nintendo was cool, but 16-bits is really only good for about 6 hours of entertainment per week. These fat little bastards nowadays and their XBoxes…I tell ya.

//would be a fat ass too if he had all day to play Madden ’10 on PS3


Speaking of memories, who remembers LaVar Arrington?

He was all set to be the next great linebacker in the NFL. In my first fantasy football league, there was a team named “Guns don’t kill people, LAVAR KILLS PEOPLE.” Then he just kinda disappeared. I think maybe he got hurt a bunch of times or something? Seriously, I remember being completely shocked when I heard that Lavar was out of the league for good.

Well, it turns out he’s been fooling us all along, as he reentered the league with a new name – Ernie Sims.


Next up are a pair of Lookalikes of injured rookie QB Matthew Stafford.

First we have this duck-face:

Stafford Duck

Followed by Matty Poo posing with the most pathetic trophy I’ve ever seen.


Did your mom make that for you, Matt?

Finally today we turn our attention to Lions’ first-year head coach and former Arbutus, Maryland resident Jim Schwartz.

Some coaches take a “tough love” attitude to their responsibilities. It appears as though Jimmy might have a different kind of love in mind.

Jim Bruno

Lookin’….uh…tough….there, Jimbo.


Lookalikes! Packers Edition

December 4, 2009

A nice side effect of the Ravens’ next three games being against teams in the NFC North is that we get a chance to scan some unfamiliar rosters for goofy-and-familiar-looking mofos. Fun!

First up is Monday’s opponent, the Green Bay Packers. We start off with kicker Mason Crosby, who starred in the Transformers movies, and has also apparently been cheating on his girlfriend, Fergie.


Third-down running back Brandon Jackson has been playing extremely well, especially considering he’s been shot nine times. Or maybe he was just separated at birth from his twin, Curtis.


One interesting thing we realized while scanning the interwebs for pictures of Green Bay players – Aaron Rodgers is the man of 1,000,000 looks. No wonder it took him so many years to get on the field for the Packers! It had nothing to do with Brett Favre, and everything to do with Coach Mike McCarthy thinking he had a revolving door of backup QB’s, not just that one guy that got drafted a while back.

There’s “young Aaron,” who moonlights as “Ryan” on “The Office” on NBC:


Then we have mustachioed Aaron:


And, last, but certainly not least, Aaron the lead singer of “Creed.”



I’LL THROW THE BALL TO Eh-Ed REEEEEEEEEED! doodoodoodoodeeeeeee

Lookalikes! Squealers Edition 2K9

November 25, 2009

Those dastardly clowns in black and gold march into town this week for a prime-time showdown on Sunday night. For the most part, the Steelers players are actually LESS stupid looking than their fans. There are plenty of ugly mofos on the roster though, as we have detailed in the past. Fortunately, their play as of late has been pretty ugly as well, so there may be hope for our heroes in purple.

Question: Will Pittsburgh running back Mendenhall be avoiding Ray Lewis like the plague this week, after Lewis ended his rookie season last year by breaking his shoulder?
Answer: Does a Rashard Rashit in the woods?


Last year, reader “Goob” suggested that we put up a Lookalike! of Hines Ward next to a box of Summer’s Eve(R) Brand feminine hygiene product. While extremely fitting, there are plenty of other squealers who also qualify as Grade A “douche” (see below). Hiney, on the other hand, looks a lot like another guy that used score touchdowns on Sundays.


Scumbag football player? Check.
Running away from the good guys after likely breaking a rule? Check.
Gonna get what’s coming to him? Check and mate.

Now, onto the douche bags.

They say a team takes on the character of their head coach. Well, that makes perfect sense, because the Steelers are total D-bags, just like their King D-Bag leader, who exhibits all the tell-tale signs of a total douche.

  • Cocky
  • Arrogant
  • Wears sunglasses all the time, even at night
  • Exhibits an undeserved feeling of accomplishment (way to take over the team of one of the best run organizations in sports, inherit a great roster and hall of fame defensive coordinator, and act like you have anything to do with their success).  Tool.


Steeler fans like to hate on Ravens fans for our love of Matt Stover. In their defense, this is the kind of kicker they have become accustomed to.


We actually can’t fault you guys all that much for being so anti-kicker love. Kudos for not fully embracing Mr. Reed. Sunday should present some more good opportunities for Fatty Mc-last-line-of-kickoff-return-defense-FAIL over there to work his magic as Lardarius Webb blows by him.

Lookalikes! Browns Edition 2K9

November 12, 2009

With former head coach Romeo Crennel banished to the world of no-longer-funny Coors Light commercials, we can’t dedicate an entire Lookalikes! post to his goofy lookin’ mug like we did last year.

So, we had to dig a bit deeper down Cleveland’s roster this time around. Luckily though, and to the surprise of exactly nobody, the NFL’s most woeful franchise still have more than their share of Lookalike!-fodder.

The Browns’ struggles in 2009 all start at the top, with their new (and already “Lame Duck”) head coach, Eric Mangini. Mangini, despite being by all accounts 100% humorless himself, looks strikingly similar to comedian Kevin James.


Since the team themselves are nothing short of a 4-hour sitcom on Sundays, Mangini isn’t the only one that looks like a member of prime time “ha ha” television. Defensive back Nick Sorenson has been seen in such movies as “Beerfest,” “Cellular,” and “Dumb and Dumberer,” as well as the sitcom “The Loop” on FOX. Currently, he can be found intercepting absolutely nobody as “Vaughn” on the new NBC comedy “Community” with Chevy Chase and Joel McHale.


The phrase “taking the Browns to the Super Bowl” has been used as a euphemism for going #2. Well, since it’s painfully obvious that there are no “Super Bowls” anywhere in the foreseeable future for Cleveland, Browns linebacker David Veikune has kindly offered up his head as a defecation receptacle.


Way to take one for the team, shithead.

HEY! Here’s something different – a Lookalike! of newly re-minted starting quarterback Brady Quinn, WITHOUT HIS HAND ON ANOTHER MAN’S CROTCH! Instead, it looks as if he is already well prepared for his next career, as the [insert other genre of adult film here] equivalent of porn star Peter North.


Finally, we have wide receiver Mohamed Massaquoi. Were Massaquoi a character in the 2004 film “Team America: World Police,” he would fit in extremely well running around yelling “a durkadurkadurka muhammed jihad! durka lerka durka!”


Lookalikes! Ravens @ Bengals Edition

November 5, 2009

There is plenty of familiarity between teams in these divisional games. Seeing the Browns, Bengals, and Steelers twice every season leads to Ravens’ players and coaches having a pretty good idea what to expect on the field. Also, it leaves us fans very familiar with just how goofy looking the other teams’ players are. Most of last season’s Bengals Lookalikes! probably still apply. However, they also have some new players who are just as ugly as the guys they replaced.

We’ll start this week’s edition off a little differently though. I wanted to share with you something I’ve noticed for a while now. Of course, here in B’More we’re all quite familiar with the hit HBO series ‘The Wire,’ yes?


This has led to plenty of opportunities over the years to compare Ravens players/coaches/whatever to characters or situations on the show (sometimes, quite tastelessly – “RAY LEWIS KILLS PEOPLE LIKE DRUG DEALERS HAHAHAHAHA” – plenty of idiots).

Such as this exchange I had with “Broncos fan” on Facebook earlier this week:


Jason Whitlock of FOX has even taken to calling #52 and #20 Ray “Avon Barksdale” Lewis and Ed “Stringer Bell” Reed regularly in his columns when he discusses Baltimore.

I’d like to point out, though, that Ed Reed, though he may be a “Kingpin” of the Ravens defense, “Lookalike!” the muscle used by the Marlo Stanfield regime. Who, you ask? Well, there’s been an evolution.

When he was drafted, Ed Reed resembled Snoop.


In 2009, however, he looks more like Chris (Partlow).


Either way, you come into Mr. Reed’s domain, and “you gon’ get got.”

Moving along.

By now everybody has seen the video of Bengals’ rookie OL Andre Smith’s 40-yard dash at the 2009 NFL combine (Warning: don’t click that while eating). Here is a still from that video.


Keep that in mind for a sec (painful as it may be), while I digress.

This week is Sesame Street’s 40th anniversary. You may have noticed the Google homepage celebrating by featuring Big Bird, Cookie Monster, Oscar the Grouch, etc. If you ever, like me, watched the show when you were younger, you’ll remember the “Yip Yip” space aliens. These guys:


Now, remember Mr. Smith from above? Let’s zoom in a bit…





Bengals running back Cedric Benson has rejuvenated his career in Cincy. It probably has a lot to do with him avoiding run-ins with the law, such as this 2008 charge of boating while intoxicated and resisting arrest, in Chicago.


Nice haircut, Ced.

And finally, Bengals’ resident crazy person, Chad Ochocinco, somehow manages to play football with a mouth full of metal from time to time.


Doesn’t that seem a bit dangerous? I mean, I had braces when I was a kid, and I had to wear all sorts of goofy mouth protection to play sports. I remember once I got hit across the face in gym class and my mangled lips bled for like 3 days. I probably got hit by a 12-year old girl’s forearm. How is it that Chad can run around getting blasted by the likes of Ray Lewis and Troy Polamalu and not look like this after a while?

Lookalikes – Friday at the Movies Edition

October 23, 2009

And now for something a tad different. With the Ravens enjoying their bye week, perhaps the team will be enjoying a lazy Friday at the local theater? Or maybe this Sunday would be a good time for us Ravens fans to take a bye week of our own, and go catch a flick or two, rather than screaming at our TVs, as the case has been of late.

On with the Lookalikes!



Please excuse the abbreviated Lookalikes this week. Nest photoshop wizard Nick-a-What!? is about to become a daddy for the first time, so he’s just a tad preoccupied at the moment. We’ll be back next week with a full slate of goofy looking Denver Broncos, as well as Kyle “Jack Daniels” Orton’s “What I did on my Bye Week” essay, a look at the Ravens’ issues at safety, and the typical game preview.

Lookalikes! Vikings Edition

October 15, 2009

The 5-0 Vikings may be extremely good at football (we’ll see just how good Sunday), but that doesn’t mean they don’t feature a full cast of goofy-looking characters on their roster. Let’s dive in, shall we?

“Joe Flacco-ahhh, you-ahhh, come in here-ahh, to my Metrodomeahhh. And you-ahhh, think-ahh, that I-ahh, am just going to let you sit back there and survey the field-ahh? No sir-ahh!”


These next two take up more space on the defensive line than Haloti Ngata and Kelly Gregg could even aspire to. However, as huge as they look next to other NFL players, they look even more impressive during their every day lives.


He once threw 12 interceptions in a game – just to see what it would feel like.
He plays like a kid out there – but has no idea how many he actually has.
He has retired more than anybody in the history of retiring.
He is.
The most interesting man in the world.

Most Interesting Brett in the World

This next image should be giving the Ravens’ defense nightmares the next few nights. Usually these Lookalikes! are meant to be insulting to the other team…but if our purple and black don’t figure out how to tackle, and quick, this could be one of the most prescient Lookalikes! we’ve ever put up.


Vikings starting Tight End Visanthe Shiancoe is a Morgan State Alum. More like “ORGAN State,” amirite?!?!


More “experts” than I expected are picking the Ravens on Sunday. I’ll have to keep that in mind as I put together tomorrow’s game preview, but right now, I just don’t see it.

Lookalikes! Patriots Edition

October 1, 2009

Time once again to bust out the trusty ol’ “Lookalikes!” Obviously, the most important one going into Sunday’s game is that the Patriots “look-a-like” a team that can be beat. Still, no reason to not have some giggles at their expense, no?

First up, we have new R&B sensation, Mossy Gray.

Mossy Gray

Now, for this next one – I promise, I applied zero of my awful MS Paint skills (nor did Nick-a-What?! do any of his Photoshop wizardry) to this head shot of rookie OL Sebastian Vollmer, taken directly from


A guy on the New England Patriots…who have Tom BRADY as their quarterback…has a BROKEN NOSE in his official head shot.

Sometimes this stuff just writes itself.

Brady Breaks Noses

Speaking of Tommy Brady, you have no doubt heard about his recent nuptials to uber-babe Gisele Bundchen. What you may not have heard about, was his other recent wedding.

Brady Loves Goats

Maybe the Ravens defense can pressure him into a late interception, and Brady will be the “GOAT” for the Pats this Sunday!

No? OK…

Finally, it looks as though somebody already has his Halloween costume picked out.


Hopefully the Ravens can put to “death” the Patriots as one of the only two teams they have never beaten since coming into the league in 1996 (Carolina is the other).