Archive for the ‘Hating’ Category

GOOBVISION: Cardinals @ Ravens Preview

October 27, 2011

Last week, Goob didn’t do a Jaguars pregame video – and we all know how that turned out. So just to make sure the Ravens don’t lay another turd on Sunday, here’s some Cards/Ravens GOOBVISION!


Lookalikes! Jaguars Edition

October 20, 2011

It’s time once again for some Lookalikes! The Ravens roll into Jacksonville on Monday Night Football this week to play a team they haven’t seen since the 2008 season finale (a 27-7 Ravens victory in B’More). So who on the Jags’ roster conjures up visions of somebody else?

Let’s have a look, shall we?

First off, some blasts from Lookalikes! past. Punter Nick Harris has been featured on Lookalikes! before, when he was playing with the Detroit Lions back in 2009. Harris moonlights as Dr. Andre Nosik on the FX comedy “The League.” The League, a show based around a group of friends who play fantasy football together, was just in its infancy in ’09, with the season 1 finale airing the week of that Ravens-Lions contest. Since then, the show has really hit its stride, and is now chugging along in season 3. Good news for Harris, as at least one of his “teams” has shown him some loyalty by keeping him around.


Next up we have linebacker Paul Posluszny, who we featured last season when he was a member of the Buffalo Bills. We implored Paul to spend more time in the training room and less time swinging from trees to try to resurrect his as-of-yet injury-ridden NFL career.

He seems to have been taking our advice so far, as Paul hasn’t missed a game since the start of the 2010 season. You’re welcome, big guy.

Ok, enough with the retreads. Let’s move on to the fresh material.

Jacksonville running back Deji Karim had a decent rookie campaign last season backing up Maurice Jones-Drew, averaging 4.6 yards per carry on a handful of attempts. This season his average is down to 2.3 though, so his career arc is moving in the wrong direction. What is still going strong though is his Whoopi Goldberg impression on Saturday Night Live. Has me in stitches every time!

Maybe if you took off your damn crocs, you’d average more than 2.3 yards per carry. Just a thought.

The injured reserve list is no sanctuary from the B’More Birds’ Nest Lookalikes! informants. Defensive end Austen Lane thought he could escape us, but just like his dad couldn’t hide from the United States military forever, he can’t hide the fact that he looks suspiciously like a twin brother of Omar Bin Laden.

Ok, things are getting a little dark around here. Let’s lighten up the mood. What better to lift our spirits than some good old 90’s pop music?

As a former member of the band Hanson, Jaguars quarterback Blaine Gabbert is just the guy to sing a catchy tune for us.

Wow, Blaine. That’s an even more spot-on resemblance than I originally realized. That guy would have been right at home on the cover of one of my sister’s “Tiger Beat” magazines back in the day.

As a stand-in for former “Home Improvement” cast member Zachary Ty Bryan:

Or maybe fellow heartthrob Brad Renfro?

Hm, wrong position.

In any case, T. Sizzle, Haloti, Ray-Ray and crew should have no problems knocking the pretty right off of Mr. Gabbert on Monday Night.

Go Ravens.

Lookalikes! St. Louis Rams Edition

September 22, 2011

The Ravens haven’t played the Rams since back in ’07, when the Nest was in its infancy. As such, we’ve never had the pleasure of putting together Lookalikes! for the St. Louis squad. That is, until today!

Let’s get to it:

To stop the Rams on Sunday, the Ravens will have to deal with their no-huddle attack, led by wonderboy second-year quarterback Sam Bradford. If they can’t Ravens fans will be screaming “(Apolo) OH, NO!” all afternoon.


That was a horrible joke. I’m sorry. To make it up to you, I’m going to bring in defensive tackle Gary Gibson, who spends his offseasons as comedian Joe Rogan. On with the good jokes, Gary!

When I saw a picture of wide receiver Dominique Curry, I was immediately reminded of the Princess in Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls.

I think he said she is not a virgin.

“They can tell that???” (8:15 of video in link)

Now, you all know by now that I can’t do a Lookalikes! post without some fictional characters sprinkled in.

Here we have tight end Billy Bajema, whom Nick-a-What!? shrewdly identified as being peas-in-a-pod with “Brain” from the 90’s cartoon “Pinky and the Brain:”

Two weeks ago, the Ravens played the Steelers and their friendly ogre-looking offensive lineman Chris Kemoeatu. Well, the Rams have an ogre on their o-line as well, guard Tony Wragge, but he doesn’t look nearly as nice as Kemo/Shrek:

Damn, that’s one hell of a brow.

As always, Go Ravens!

Goob's Ravens-Steelers Wedding Weekend

September 12, 2011

With the Ravens handing the Steelers, the beat down of a lifetime on Sunday, it was the perfect ending to a weekend we will not soon forget here at the Nest. Enjoy some sights and sounds from Goob’s nuptials in beautiful Beaufort, North Carolina.

Lookalikes! Steelers Edition 2K11

September 7, 2011

Time to get started with another season of Lookalikes! here at the Nest. For previous Steelers versions, click any of the links below:

It’s been a couple years since we went through the ugly mugs on the Pittsburgh Steelers’ roster, so what better time than here in Steelers Hate Week 2011 (Part 1) to take a look at the hideous beasts that are coming to M&T Bank Stadium on Sunday to try to ruin our weekend.

Granted, roughly 51 of the 53 men that only wear logos on one side of their helmet have faces only a mother can love. Surprisingly, though, there’s actually a couple guys on the roster who wouldn’t send young children screaming in the other direction upon laying eyes on them.

Hell, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen hordes of teenage girls running AT punter Daniel Sepulveda.

As for tight end Heath Miller, his gig as a professional football player seems to actually be an undercover operation – in actuality, he’s CIA agent Stan Smith (as seen on FOX’s “American Dad.”)

Personally, I’m relieved that Smith/Miller is on the job up there in the Appalachians. Not only do the Steelers harbor terrorist sympathizers like running back Rashard Mendenhall on their roster, but word has it that recently deposed Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi is hiding out up there as well.

Yikes. Save us Heath Miller, you’re our only hope!

All this serious talk about CIA agents, terrorists, and dictators has me a bit on edge. What I need is a friendly, good-natured ogre to talk to his pet donkey and cheer me up. Luckily, offensive lineman Chris Kemoeatu is here to oblige.

Finally, while this one probably would have fit in better with 2009’s Xmas edition, defensive lineman Brett Kiesel didn’t have this woodland creature living on his face back then.

Like his doppelganger Yukon Cornelius, Kiesel went hunting for valuable metals last winter. Of course, he happily came up empty in his trek for a Super Bowl ring, thanks to Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers.

Steelers-Ravens kickoff is in just about 98 hours. Hopefully in 101 hours or so, these goofy looking mofos and their entire team will be headed back west bruised, beaten, and defeated.

GOOBVISION – Steelers Hate Week '11 Edition

September 6, 2011

Just like the Ravens don’t get any “warm-up” games this year, clashing with the division rival Steelers right off the bat, Goob is ready for NFL Kickoff Weekend and is in mid-season hating form as he rails against Pittsburgh fans.

Great way to kick off the new season!

Kicking Off STEELERS SUCK Week – That Time We Watched them Lose the Super Bowl

September 2, 2011

To kick off STEELERS SUCK week here at the Nest, we take a look back to one glorious day last February when the Steelers sucked enough to lose Super Bowl XLV to the Green Bay Packers.

We were there to witness this amazing yellow and black loss in person, and to see all those stupid Steelers fans go home crying in their silly little rags.

Want to see more of our Super Bowl XLV fun?

Matt Wieters "Plays Like an Oriole" in All Star Game

July 13, 2011

The Birds’ lone representative in last night’s Major League Baseball All Star Game, catcher Matt Wieters, went…well, full on “Oriole” during his first appearance in the Midsummer Classic.

Entering the game in the bottom of the sixth, Wieters’ first inning behind the plate went off without a hitch as he caught Indians’ pitcher Chris Perez’s scoreless frame. In the bottom of the seventh, though, Wieters did something he hadn’t done all year to that point – allowed a passed ball.

In his defense, he was catching Seattle closer Brandon League, who was all over the place, missing nearly every target. It’s no picnic trying to catch a guy for the first time, especially someone as erratic as League. Still, all the other catchers in the game managed to backstop unfamiliar pitchers without committing any errors.

Wieters’ passed ball bounced off the umpire and made it all the way to the backstop, resulting in a two-base error as Hunter Pence advanced from first to third. A few pitches later, Giants slugger Pablo Sandoval smacked a ground-rule double, scoring Pence. Of course, had Pence still been at first, he would not have been allowed to score on the hit. Wieters’ error effectively allowed a run.


Those of us who like to look at the glass as half full posited that Wieters was actually tanking the All Star game, in an effort to keep the damn Red Sox or Yankees from having home field advantage in the World Series.

In which case, we say ATTA BOY MATTY!

Having watched Wieters play all year as I have, I also had a pretty good idea of what was likely to happen next, as Wieters was scheduled to lead off the top of the 8th inning for the AL:

Which, lo and behold, is exactly what transpired.

I don’t really mean to pick on Wieters here. Nerves were likely a factor as the youngster played in his first ever All Star Game, facing and catching completely unfamiliar pitchers. Hopefully Matt will have plenty of chances to redeem himself in future Midsummer Classics, and will do so and then some.

It’s just hilarious that the O’s only representative in the game played exactly like he was from a team that has lost 21 of its last 27 games.

Second half time.

This is Birdland.

Cheap Shot's Mug Shot

July 12, 2011


Goob sure picked a hell of a weekend for us to be offline.

Not only did we miss the Joe Flacco wedding pictures coming out and the Kevin Gregg-Big Sloppy bench clearing brawl in Boston, but we missed Hines Ward’s DUI and the Ray Rice-Ryan Clark Twitter war that followed.

Hiney was pulled over in Georgia after hitting a curb in his car, then proceeded to fail the field sobriety tests.

News of this reached me Saturday just before noon via a text from Nick-A-What: “Hines Ward arrested for DUI! Dancing Behind Bars!!!”

Hines is OF COURSE, completely innocent.  You know, just like when he throws the first cheap shot in every on-field altercation he’s ever been in, then walks away smiling like the kid that just stole the whole cookie jar as flags fly on the other team.

“On July 9th Hines Ward was stopped by Dekalb Co. police for suspicion of misdemeanor driving under the influence. He cooperated fully with the police and truthfully answered all of their questions,” the statement reads.  ”We are currently in the process of ascertaining all the facts.

“From our preliminary investigation we can tell you that we are confident that the facts will show that Hines was NOT impaired by alcohol while driving. However, Hines is deeply saddened by this incident and apologizes to his fans and the Steelers organization for this distraction.”

Whatever, Hiney.

Following that was the fun between Rice and Ryan Clark (who swore off Twitter a few months back, by the way), the Steelers’ de-facto cheap-shot artist on the other side of the ball:

Rice began the brief exchange by posting on his Twitter account: “Well it looks like Hines Ward will miss week 1 when the lockout ends DUI charge not a good look.”

Clark responded: “So glad you could Weigh in. Thx,” which drew this reaction from Rice: “it’s whatever u wanna do bro you know how to find me.”

Clark assured Rice that he will find him in Week 1, assuming the months-long NFL lockout ends and Week 1 games are played as scheduled.

“I hear ya brother.Thought we were all better than that. Wouldnt speak negative of you. I’ll find you!It’s not hard. God bless,” he wrote.

This is all well and good, but you know what would make it 1000x more fun?


Fix it, jerks.

/points and laughs at Hiney one more time

Lookalike: Mark Reynolds Edition

May 11, 2011

On Twitter a few days ago, the “Angry Oriole Bird” (@AngryOrioleBird) posed this intriguing little question:

Our answer?

Right now.

Reynolds, brought over from Arizona this offseason to add some pop to the lineup, has quickly become 2011’s version of Garrett Atkins for the O’s.

While he hasn’t been quite as bad as the former Colorado Rockie, the Diamondbacks transplant hasn’t fared much better.

In 152 plate appearances for the Birds last year, Atkins posted a .214/.276/.286 line, with 1 HR and 9 RBI.

After yesterday’s 0-for-6 showing, in 133 plate appearances so far this season, Reynolds has managed a .177/.286/.319 line, with 3 HR and 15 RBI.

Even more annoying though, is that Reynolds has also hardly been better than the guy he was brought in to replace, Josh Bell.

In 2010, Bell hit .214/.224/.302 with 3 HR and 12 RBI in 161 PAs.

Reynolds is being paid $5.3 million this year, and is barely outperforming a much, much cheaper option.

Mark Reynolds’ swing is one of the most disgusting displays of attempted “athleticism” I have ever seen.  His entire body is falling forward as the bat comes through the zone, and he takes his back hand off the bat midway through the motion. It’s reminiscent to O’s fans of how Brady Anderson used to swing when he first got to Baltimore.

At this point, I wouldn’t mind seeing the team send Reynolds down to Norfolk for a few weeks to see if he can’t get at all straightened out. I’m sure it won’t happen, but how much longer can Buck put up with ANYONE in the lineup, let alone his supposed power-hitting corner infielder, hitting a laughable .177?

Mark Reynolds. Nothing but Garrett Atkins in a blond wig.