Archive for September, 2010

Ray Lewis for Old Spice

September 8, 2010

“Old Spice Guy” got nothin’ on #52. Get them “body muscles” ready for MNF, Ray.


Mark Clayton Sent to Rams; Billick Next?

September 7, 2010

If you made the original 53 man roster for the 2010 Baltimore Ravens as a wide receiver, you were already sweating bullets. After the Ravens traded for T.J. Houshmandzadeh, it was believed that either Marcus Smith or David Reed would be cut to make room for the perfectly braid-haired wide receiver.

News shortly broke from many Baltimore media outlets with insider information (not named that former 2005 1st round pick, Mark Clayton, was being shopped by the team or would be released. Hours after first hitting the trade market, Clayton was shipped to St. Louis along with a 7th round draft pick in exchange for the Rams’ 6th round pick.

The move makes sense for the Rams who lost their #1 Donnie Avery in the preseason; Avery was doing his best impression of a Ravens cornerback and blew out his knee. Clayton now heads to the Rams and unites with fellow Oklahoma Sooner alum Sam Bradford.

The Rams hope Clayton will bring the veteran WR presence needed to build the confidence of an overpaid promising rookie quarterback. Even though Clayton never lived up to his potential when the Ravens selected him late in the first round in 2005, he could prove to be a valuable member of a team which seems like they’ve been rebuilding phase for years.

Side Note: Apparently the Rams love underperforming Ravens’ WR’s because they have also invited Demetrius Williams in for a tryout. If only Kyle Boller had stuck around with Jason Brown in St. Louis for another year, we could have witnessed a huge reunion of players from the pre-Joe Flacco era. Look for Brian Billick to be in town by week 8 for a job interview.

Ravens Sign T.J. Houshmandzadeh

September 6, 2010

The Ravens’ already secure receiving situation just received another unexpected boost, as the team signed veteran T.J. Houshmandzadeh to a 1-year deal for the veteran minimum.

Houshmandzadeh, who destroyed the Ravens’ secondary for years in Cincinnati, played 2009 in Seattle. Despite poor quarterback play and very little help from the other WRs on the roster, T.J. caught 79 passes for 911 yards. He is just three seasons removed from his career-best 2007 campaign, when he caught 112 passes for 1,143 yards and 12 touchdowns for the Bengals.

Though it may seem to Ravens fans like he’s been around forever (and often that there were 3-4 of him on the field at a time), Houshmandzadeh is entering just his 10th season, and will turn 33 later this month.

With Anquan Boldin (30 in October), Derrick Mason (36), and Houshmandzadeh, the Ravens will have one of the most veteran wide receiving corps in the NFL. A far cry from recent history, for sure.

Because Housh was cut by Seattle, they are forced to pick up the majority of his contract in 2010. The Ravens basically get another bonafide #1 (maybe 1b at this point in his career) wide receiver. I was personally surprised by the acquisition for the main reason that I assumed Houshmandzadeh probably hated just about every member of the Ravens after their epic battles a few years ago. Housh, though, must see the best chance of winning his first Super Bowl ring here in Baltimore, as opposed to the other teams that the rumor mill had him going to (Washington, Cincinnati).

Some other relevant news to the Ravens’ opening night game: Jets’ cornerback Darrelle Revis finally ended his holdout and signed a contract, so he’ll be on the field Monday September 13. He’s good and all, but he can’t cover Boldin, Houshmandzadeh, and Mason.

Transcript of Roethlisberger/Goodell meeting

September 3, 2010

(SPOILER ALERT:) Earlier today NFL Commish Roger Goodell reduced the previous six game punishment to Steelers douchebag quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger. Cameras were not allowed inside the Commish’s office at NFL headquarters on Park Ave., so BMoreBirdsNest set up hidden cameras to record the whole thing.

Here are the excerpts from the conversation earlier this morning.

Roger Goodell: “Good morning gentleman, thank you for taking time to meet with me this morning. “

Rooney and Ben Roethlisberger: “Thank you Mr. Commissioner, the pleasure is ours.”

RG: “Well guys let’s cut to the chase. Ben, your future is in my hands and quite frankly, out of all the other shit I’ve had to deal with, you’ve been the most difficult case yet. Sure, Pacman Jones was a repeat offender full of stupidity but your case is even more embarrassing. I’ve had since March to figure out exactly what I’ve wanted to do with you and I want to give you one last time to run through your involvement that night in Georgia and plead your case to me. “

BR: “Commish… look… I’m a star. I have millions of dollars in the bank and I’m a quarterback in the NFL. Chicks dig that! I don’t know if you’re aware of this or not but… I’m ugly. If I wasn’t a quarterback, chicks would not want to have sex with me. My money is all I’ve got. You’ve seen the stories, everyone already knows I’m an asshole when I go out to bars with my friends and I don’t expect to pay for anything. That is why I’ve got so much money! Everywhere I walk, women are throwing themselves at me just because they want my money.”

You know I’m not the only player that takes advantage of wealth and fame to get women. Look at Brian Urlacher and Matt Leinart (even though he sucks) for instance, he can go out and publicly molest women all he wants. What is his excuse?”

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

RG: “Ben, Brian Urlacher quite simply isn’t a douche… you are! He is cool, chicks want to be with him, he’s been on Entourage, and quite frankly, I’d sleep with him too. Girls don’t have to cry “RAPE” when they hang out and have sex with Brian Urlacher because they’re all begging for it. Hell… I’d even have sex with the guy. “

BR: “But Mr. Goodell, that’s not fair!”

RG: “Life isn’t fair Ben but how can I hold Brian accountable for his actions when he is out banging hot women full of more plastic than a water-slide and you’re out having sex with this and even admit it! See Ben….EMBARRASSING!!!!”

Exhibit C:

“Mr. Goodell, you make some good points but Art and I came here today to ask if you would at least cut my suspension in half. We have a huge home game against the Ravens on Week 4 and I don’t want to miss it. There is no way that Dennis Dixon or Byron Leftwich can run this team the way it do. “
RG: “HaHaHaHa …. you said Dixon! HaHaHaHa !!! If douche bag NFL players like you were cautious of who you put your DIXON-get it-DIXON…. then you wouldn’t be in this predicament. “

BR: “Mr. Goodell, I’m glad you find this funny but there is no way I can add to our franchise’s six world championships unless I’m out on the field earlier against the Ravens; they are going to whoop our ass!”

RG: “You and your damn fans always are talking about six this… six that…. SHUT IT! After months of pondering what I am going to do with your sorry drunk girl molesting ass, I’ve decided to not add to your SIXTH game you’re suspended and only give you four. You are lucky I felt good enough to reduce your suspension but I just felt so bad seeing all these pictures of you on the internet looking like a tool and hanging out with ugly chicks”

Exhibit D:

BR: “Mr. Commissioner, I appreciate your decision to reduce my suspension. Even though I don’t agree with your motives, I am happy that I can at least play after Week 4.”
“As a sign of my appreciation, would you like to join me in the bathroom for a minute?”

Hotel Roethlisberger

September 3, 2010

This little bit of musical genius comes to us courtesy of The Football Girl.

I’m in awe/love.

Down a dark bathroom hallway.  Cheap grease in his hair.

Warm smell of Corona. Bring a stench in the air.

Up ahead in the distance she saw a fluorescent light.

Her head grew dizzy and her senses dulled.

She was his for the night.

Making out in the doorway. She heard her sisters yell.

And started thinking to herself. This could be heaven, but probably hell.

Then he lit up a camel. And he took her away.

The bodyguards shut and locked the door.

She could hear them say.

Welcome to the Hotel Roethlisberger.

Such a lovely face. Bring a can of mace.

Giving it up at the Hotel Roetlisberger.

What a bad surprise. You should close your eyes.

He’s got those Super Bowl rings, man. He’s got that Mercedes Benz.

He’s got a lot of moochers, hangers on, that calls friends.

How they inflate his ego.  Sweet sham acclaim.

Some prey for his money.

Some fake for his fame.

So he said to the girl.

Let’s go from behind, she said

It’s not my favorite way to go, but please no 69.

And still those towels are waving from far away.

Wake ‘em up in the middle of the night, just to hear them say.

Welcome to the Hotel Roethlisberger.

Such an ugly face, but he makes big plays.

Plenty of guests at the Hotel Roethlisberger.

She unzipped his fly.

That’s his alibi.

Next thing she remembers, she was running for the door.

Had to find that passage back to the girl she was before.

Relax, said the doorman, you are here to receive.

You can pass out any time you’d like

But you can never leave.

Who Will Make the Roster? My Best Guesses

September 3, 2010

After the Ravens’ final preseason game last night, I figured it would be a good time to throw my hat in the ring with a 53-man roster “mock.” Here goes…


1. Joe Flacco
2. Marc Bulger
3. Troy Smith


4. Ray Rice
5. Willis McGahee
6. Jalen Parmele


7. Le’Ron McClain


8. Anquan Boldin
9. Derrick Mason
10. Mark Clayton
11. Donte’ Stallworth (I just learned that he counts toward the 53 even though he is hurt – Thanks, Glenn @WNST)
12. Demetrius Williams
13. David Reed


14. Todd Heap
15. Ed Dickson
16. Dennis Pitta


17. Michael Oher
18. Jared Gaither
19. Tony Moll
20. David Hale
21. Oneil Cousins


22. Ben Grubbs
23. Marshal Yanda
24. Chris Chester


25. Matt Birk


26. Haloti Ngata
27. Terrence Cody
28. Trevor Pryce
29. Kelly Gregg
30. Cory Redding
31. Paul Kruger
32. Brandon McKinnie
33. Kelly Talavou


34. Ray Lewis
35. Terrell Suggs
36. Jarret Johnson
37. Dannell Ellerbe
38. Tavares Gooden
39. Jameel McClain
40. Antwan Barnes
41. Prescott Burgess


42. Fabian Washington
43. Lardarius Webb
44. Chris Carr
45. Josh Wilson


46. Ed Reed
47. Dawan Landry
48. Tom Zbikowski
49. Haruki Nakamura
50. Ken Hamlin

51. Billy Cundiff

52. Sam Koch


53. Morgan Cox

When CB Cary Williams comes off suspension in Week 3, someone will have to go. I don’t know enough about contract intricacies to make an educated guess on what move would make the most financial sense for the team in that situation. Ken Hamlin (assuming Ed Reed is not PUP’d) and Kelly Talavou jump out at me as the most expendable players – but Hamlin may be guaranteed money being a veteran, and I’m not sure what Talavou’s status is after he was helped off the field in St. Louis.

My surprise cut is Marcus Smith. He’s a good special teams player, but his conditioning is questionable and he has stone-hands at the WR position. He seems replaceable.

At kicker, I’m going with what I hope the Ravens do as opposed to what they’ll likely do, which is keep Shayne Graham. I’m on Team Billy.

Anyway, I’m just having fun here…feel free to disagree in the comments.

Rex Ryan Mouth-Farts; Sounds like "Ed Reed Will Play"

September 2, 2010

Rex Derp

Yeah, that’s right – I said “mouth-farts” not “burps.” Once one’s BMI passes the half-century mark, a whole new world of bodily functions opens up.

Rex’s latest triple-chili-corn-dog-burrito-induced expulsion of gas from his face sounded suspiciously to the human ear like he was saying that he expects Ravens’ safety Ed Reed to play in the season opener.

“Somebody asked me about Ed Reed saying, ‘You know Ed Reed hasn’t practiced,’” Ryan said.

“I said, guys, Ed Reed will play this game. Now he might not play the second game, third game or fourth game, whatever, but Ed Reed is going to play this game. I think part of that is a respect thing. He knows how disappointed I would be if he didn’t play. I want to win the game, but I want to play against Ed. I want them at their best and I know they will be.”

So, by Ryan’s logic, Reed will try to play in the season opener against his New York Jets not because he doesn’t want to let his current teammates or coaches down, but because he doesn’t want to disappoint ol’ Rexy poo.

Does this man’s bombast know no limits?

On top of the obvious ridiculousness of Rex’s assertion that Reed cares more about the respect of the head coach of another team than that of his own coaches/teammates, there is another layer of stupidity at play here. Just like a taco dip from Rex’s dreams, the layers just go deeper and deeper here.

Let’s look closer.

“[Reed] might not play the second game, third game or fourth game, whatever, but Ed Reed is going to play this game.”

By saying this, Rex is insinuating one of two things. Either:

A) Reed would gladly put his own motives (ostensibly, not letting down his former defensive coordinator) ahead of those of the team, by playing when he was not yet fully healthy enough to be effective; OR

B) Reed, while healthy enough to play, would indeed play against the Jets, but for purely selfish reasons. He would then likely sit out the next few games, having nobody on the other side to impress/not let down.

Blow it out your ass Rex, along with the next cloud of “Old Faithful”-like toxic fumes scheduled to be expelled.

In actuality, I’m probably reading too far into this. As we’ve seen since he became a head coach (and, to a lesser extent, as those of us in Baltimore have known for years), Rex rarely puts too much thought into what he says. His mental processes are far too focused on his next “Double Down.”

Double Down

August is Finally Nice to the O's

September 2, 2010

For the past 13 Augusts, O’s fans have been more than happy to turn the page on their calendars in anticipation for the start of the NFL season in September.

During a season where the team once possessed the worst record in baseball and has just absolutely embarrassed themselves night in an night out- the Orioles have produced their first winning August since 1997 and first winning month since 2008.

The Orioles finished the month of August with a 4 game win streak and went 17-11. In a month full of surprises, I was most amazed with the fact that Kevin Millwood actually won a game. After trying five times previously in the month, the king of the 1st inning ERA actually retired his first eight batters in a 5-0 win against the Angels where he actually pitched eight scoreless innings.

August was a great time for the Orioles to start to come together as a team. Even though they’ve been stuck together since March, something clicked where the Orioles had decent pitching on days Millwood wasn’t on the mound, nice defense and actually produced some runs.

At times this season, the Orioles have done well in certain aspects of the game but extremely failed in all others, but it seems the glue to this whole puzzle is coming from new manager Buck Showalter and he’s finally instilled some life into these ball players.

“BUCK YEAH!” can now be heard echoing thru Camden Yards and online message boards as well as Buck has already put himself in the position to be the O’s most successful manager this year…and he hasn’t even been her a month. The 17 wins Showalter has produced since his hiring in early August are just as much as interim manager Juan Samuel had in his tenure with the Orioles and he has already surpassed Dave Trembley’s impressively sorry display of managing (15 wins).

Hopefully the Orioles can make an impressive showing for the rest of this season until their last game on October 3. Things are beginning to take shape in Birdland and it looks like it took just one addition (Buck) and holding onto two trade bait items (Wiggington and Scott) to fire this team up. With a strong showing the next month (and some deep pockets), the Orioles may be able to lure some bigger name free agents to Birdland.

Personally, I’m excited for this franchise and the hire of Showalter. I was a little frustrated when Bobby Valentine turned us down but in the end it looks like Buck might be the right man for the job. I remember this same feeling three years ago when a man by the name of Jason Garrett turned Baltimore down and we made a hire of a not so well known guy named John Harbaugh. Buck, of course doesn’t fit the “not so well known” bill, but regardless, maybe Andy McSnail pulled his best Ozzie impression and made a great hire which can help this team for years to come.