Yesterday, we looked at Goob’s competition in Saturday’s DirecTV Celebrity Beach Bowl as far as former NFL players go. Today, we’ll look at some potential opponents he is likely to have much more success against. These coddled celebrities are usually the artsy-fartsy type, and have the athletic ability of a high school band geek (as most of them probably were). Sure, some of these dudes may be all ripped up and have abs on top of abs – but for the most part they’re going to be all “show” and no “go.” Goob, a former soccer and lacrosse player, could find himself significantly outplaying some of these celebs; alternatively, they could drop a ball at the worst time and cost his team the game.
Let’s look at the pretty people:
Chace Crawford – Crawford is from Lubbock, Texas, so he may actually have some football skill. From the above picture though, I’m gonna go ahead and say that he throws like a girl. A GOSSIP GIRL! Ba-zing! Crawford used to date country singer Carrie Underwood, who Goob had a little school girl crush on for years. Is “HEY, I BEAT IT TO YOUR EX GIRLFRIEND” an effective taunt? Only time will tell.
Kellan Lutz – Speaking of abs. Apparently this guy is one of the werewolves vampires from that Twilight crap. According to his Wiki, “in Lutz’s free time, he likes to take part in extreme skateboarding, weight training, track, baseball, basketball, lacrosse, swimming, tennis, racquetball, badminton, snow skiing, snowboarding, dance..” If true, Lutz would probably be a good teammate to have. If he’s on the other side, Goob may want to – in addition to avoiding standing next to him in general – look to cover somebody else. Somebody like…
Hayden Panetierre – Hayden is probably best known for her role on Heroes as the Cheerleader Who Catches on Fire or something like that, but in my mind she’ll always be the curly haired little coach’s daughter from Remember the Titans. If she remembers anything from that role, she’d probably be as good of a coach as damn Eli Manning or Colt McCoy will be. I think Hayden is like 4’6″, so she probably matches up best with Barry Sanders.
Joe Manganiello – Oh look, more abs! Here’s something fun for Goob: “Manganiello was born in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and raised in Mt. Lebanon, a suburb south of the city.” Guess who’s a Steeeeelers faaaaan? At least he comes by it honestly, but Goob should definitely plan on taunting the hell out of this mountain of man-meat for being a towel-waving douche canoe. And then on running away as fast as possible.
Ya know, on second thought, it might be safer to just direct all ire toward that skidmark Merril Hoge. Manganiello is one huge dude.
Jerry Ferrara – Hey, finally someone that more closely resembles Goob as far as physiques go – “Turtle” from Entourage. Also like Goob, Ferrara bats way out of his league when it comes to women, dating gorgeous ladies such as Jamie Lynn Sigler of The Sopranos. Chances Ferrara plays the game without a New York Yankees hat on (backwards)? Roughly 3%. Maybe Goob should rock this old classic to mess with Turtle:
Kevin Dillon – Another Entourager, this time “Johnny Drama.” The less successful younger brother of Matt Dillon, Kevin has made his name as the dim-witted meathead Drama. Other than “everyone on entourage should be punched in the face,” I have nothing to say about Kevin Dillon.
Marisa Miller – Great googily moogily Marisa Miller. I’ve been on the MM bandwagon since way back in 2002, when she first appeared in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. As a result, I feel more than qualified to speak to her many talents. However, were I to actually speak my mind on what may be the perfect physical specimen of the female human, they probably wouldn’t let me anywhere near the Celebrity Beach Bowl this Saturday. So let’s just look at Marisa some more shall we? Like they say, a picture is worth a thousand restraining orders words.
Chord Overstreet – Who? So wait a minute…this dude is on Glee…where he sings. And his name is “Chord?” You’ve gotta be kidding me.
“Chord has stated his unusual name is because ‘my dad is in the music business as a songwriter. I was the third one in my family born, and there are three notes in a chord, so that’s how they came up with my name.”
Oh holy hell that’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard. Let’s see – Goob was the first one born in his family, and according to Sammy Hagar, there is one way to rock, so…Goob, your new name is “Rock.” Or maybe, since we’re playing football and teams only keep one punter on the roster…”Punt.” This is so asinine it doesn’t even lend itself readily to easy mocking. Just make fun of his lips, Goob.
Matt Bomer – This guy has been in some soap operas (Guiding Light), some TV shows (Chuck, White Collar) and three movies (Flight Plan, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, Now), but I wouldn’t recognize him if I saw him at the grocery store, that’s for damn sure. His father was drafted by the Dallas Cowboys in 1971, but never played a game for them. According to his wiki, Bomer plays football, baseball, and tennis, though, so he could be a nice sleeper pick for Goob’s team.
Although originally from Texas, Bomer graduated from Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, so he’s probably also a damn Steelers fan (“I hate the Cowboys cuz they didn’t let my dad play, so I was a Steelers fan growing up, honest! WAHHHHHHHH!”)
Hunter Parrish – “Silas” from Weeds. But it seems to me there is a distinct lack of abs there, Mr. Parrish. Better step up your game. My only beef with Parrish is that he got to make out with Baltimore girl Julie Bowen on screen – bastard. Like Crawford, he hails from Texas so he might have some football skills. Unlike Crawford – and despite being on the show Weeds – he’s never been busted for Marijuana possession.
Nicole Scherzinger – Lead singer of “The Pussycat Dolls.” Another one I wouldn’t recognize walking down the street. Apparently she’s an attractive lady though, a regular on Maxim Magazine’s “Hot 100” list. I’m old and out-of-touch.
Michael B. Jordan – Wallace from The Wire! Sure, he’s been in some things since then, but Jordan will always be best known to Baltimore folk as poor Wallace, who was murdered in a crying sniveling mess by his supposed “friends” Bodie and Poot in season 1 of the best show of all time. I named my dog after a dude that shot you on TV, Michael B. Jordan! Kinda creepy. Anyway, Goob needs to let the Wire references flow freely whenever Jordan is in earshot.
Jordan lines up to cover Goob – “You gonna cover me? SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT.”
*Goob runs by and farts on Jordan* – “Damn son, I think ‘Poot’ shot you again!”
*Goob gives Jordan a cheap shot* – “All in the game, yo.”
And so on.
Dominic Fumusa – Who the hell are these people? This guy is apparently on the Showtime series Nurse Jackie. He’s been on some other shows, but never for more than 1-2 episodes. We’re scraping the bottom of the “celebrity” barrel here, DirecTV. How about we drop this guy and let ME play?
Brie Larson – Larson looked quite young in all the Google image results, so I was relieved to find out that she is 21. She’s in United States of Tara and was in the movie Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. She is also a musician. I’m guessing Larson will be on whichever team Panetierre isn’t, so Goob will likely be grabbing at one of the two trying to rip their flag off at some point. Don’t worry Goob – they’re both of age.
“And many more” – Rumor had it that “The Rock” (That’s the real “Rock,” Duane Johnson, not Goob’s new Chord Overstreet-style persona) was set to play in the game, but his name isn’t on the press release. Hopefully he shows up – Goob has a bit of his own medicine planned for him with the B’More Birds’ Nest microphone….
If you have DirecTV, be sure to tune in to Channel 101 Saturday at 1:30. The game will also be on 3D on DirecTV’s n3D powered by Panasonic. Additionally, the game will be broadcast on all of Fox Sports Network’s Regional Sports Networks and affiliates and DIRECTV’s Regional Sports Networks, so check your local listings, and be sure to watch for Goob hobnobbing with all of these celebrities and more.