Archive for the ‘lookalikes’ Category

Lookalikes! Jaguars Edition

October 20, 2011

It’s time once again for some Lookalikes! The Ravens roll into Jacksonville on Monday Night Football this week to play a team they haven’t seen since the 2008 season finale (a 27-7 Ravens victory in B’More). So who on the Jags’ roster conjures up visions of somebody else?

Let’s have a look, shall we?

First off, some blasts from Lookalikes! past. Punter Nick Harris has been featured on Lookalikes! before, when he was playing with the Detroit Lions back in 2009. Harris moonlights as Dr. Andre Nosik on the FX comedy “The League.” The League, a show based around a group of friends who play fantasy football together, was just in its infancy in ’09, with the season 1 finale airing the week of that Ravens-Lions contest. Since then, the show has really hit its stride, and is now chugging along in season 3. Good news for Harris, as at least one of his “teams” has shown him some loyalty by keeping him around.

AndrePunter

Next up we have linebacker Paul Posluszny, who we featured last season when he was a member of the Buffalo Bills. We implored Paul to spend more time in the training room and less time swinging from trees to try to resurrect his as-of-yet injury-ridden NFL career.

He seems to have been taking our advice so far, as Paul hasn’t missed a game since the start of the 2010 season. You’re welcome, big guy.

Ok, enough with the retreads. Let’s move on to the fresh material.

Jacksonville running back Deji Karim had a decent rookie campaign last season backing up Maurice Jones-Drew, averaging 4.6 yards per carry on a handful of attempts. This season his average is down to 2.3 though, so his career arc is moving in the wrong direction. What is still going strong though is his Whoopi Goldberg impression on Saturday Night Live. Has me in stitches every time!

Maybe if you took off your damn crocs, you’d average more than 2.3 yards per carry. Just a thought.

The injured reserve list is no sanctuary from the B’More Birds’ Nest Lookalikes! informants. Defensive end Austen Lane thought he could escape us, but just like his dad couldn’t hide from the United States military forever, he can’t hide the fact that he looks suspiciously like a twin brother of Omar Bin Laden.

Ok, things are getting a little dark around here. Let’s lighten up the mood. What better to lift our spirits than some good old 90’s pop music?

As a former member of the band Hanson, Jaguars quarterback Blaine Gabbert is just the guy to sing a catchy tune for us.

Wow, Blaine. That’s an even more spot-on resemblance than I originally realized. That guy would have been right at home on the cover of one of my sister’s “Tiger Beat” magazines back in the day.

As a stand-in for former “Home Improvement” cast member Zachary Ty Bryan:

Or maybe fellow heartthrob Brad Renfro?

Hm, wrong position.

In any case, T. Sizzle, Haloti, Ray-Ray and crew should have no problems knocking the pretty right off of Mr. Gabbert on Monday Night.

Go Ravens.

Lookalikes! St. Louis Rams Edition

September 22, 2011

The Ravens haven’t played the Rams since back in ’07, when the Nest was in its infancy. As such, we’ve never had the pleasure of putting together Lookalikes! for the St. Louis squad. That is, until today!

Let’s get to it:

To stop the Rams on Sunday, the Ravens will have to deal with their no-huddle attack, led by wonderboy second-year quarterback Sam Bradford. If they can’t Ravens fans will be screaming “(Apolo) OH, NO!” all afternoon.

/rimshot

That was a horrible joke. I’m sorry. To make it up to you, I’m going to bring in defensive tackle Gary Gibson, who spends his offseasons as comedian Joe Rogan. On with the good jokes, Gary!

When I saw a picture of wide receiver Dominique Curry, I was immediately reminded of the Princess in Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls.

I think he said she is not a virgin.

“They can tell that???” (8:15 of video in link)

Now, you all know by now that I can’t do a Lookalikes! post without some fictional characters sprinkled in.

Here we have tight end Billy Bajema, whom Nick-a-What!? shrewdly identified as being peas-in-a-pod with “Brain” from the 90’s cartoon “Pinky and the Brain:”

Two weeks ago, the Ravens played the Steelers and their friendly ogre-looking offensive lineman Chris Kemoeatu. Well, the Rams have an ogre on their o-line as well, guard Tony Wragge, but he doesn’t look nearly as nice as Kemo/Shrek:

Damn, that’s one hell of a brow.

As always, Go Ravens!

Lookalikes! Steelers Edition 2K11

September 7, 2011

Time to get started with another season of Lookalikes! here at the Nest. For previous Steelers versions, click any of the links below:

It’s been a couple years since we went through the ugly mugs on the Pittsburgh Steelers’ roster, so what better time than here in Steelers Hate Week 2011 (Part 1) to take a look at the hideous beasts that are coming to M&T Bank Stadium on Sunday to try to ruin our weekend.

Granted, roughly 51 of the 53 men that only wear logos on one side of their helmet have faces only a mother can love. Surprisingly, though, there’s actually a couple guys on the roster who wouldn’t send young children screaming in the other direction upon laying eyes on them.

Hell, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen hordes of teenage girls running AT punter Daniel Sepulveda.

As for tight end Heath Miller, his gig as a professional football player seems to actually be an undercover operation – in actuality, he’s CIA agent Stan Smith (as seen on FOX’s “American Dad.”)

Personally, I’m relieved that Smith/Miller is on the job up there in the Appalachians. Not only do the Steelers harbor terrorist sympathizers like running back Rashard Mendenhall on their roster, but word has it that recently deposed Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi is hiding out up there as well.

Yikes. Save us Heath Miller, you’re our only hope!

All this serious talk about CIA agents, terrorists, and dictators has me a bit on edge. What I need is a friendly, good-natured ogre to talk to his pet donkey and cheer me up. Luckily, offensive lineman Chris Kemoeatu is here to oblige.

Finally, while this one probably would have fit in better with 2009’s Xmas edition, defensive lineman Brett Kiesel didn’t have this woodland creature living on his face back then.

Like his doppelganger Yukon Cornelius, Kiesel went hunting for valuable metals last winter. Of course, he happily came up empty in his trek for a Super Bowl ring, thanks to Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers.

Steelers-Ravens kickoff is in just about 98 hours. Hopefully in 101 hours or so, these goofy looking mofos and their entire team will be headed back west bruised, beaten, and defeated.

Lookalike: Mark Reynolds Edition

May 11, 2011

On Twitter a few days ago, the “Angry Oriole Bird” (@AngryOrioleBird) posed this intriguing little question:

Our answer?

Right now.

Reynolds, brought over from Arizona this offseason to add some pop to the lineup, has quickly become 2011’s version of Garrett Atkins for the O’s.

While he hasn’t been quite as bad as the former Colorado Rockie, the Diamondbacks transplant hasn’t fared much better.

In 152 plate appearances for the Birds last year, Atkins posted a .214/.276/.286 line, with 1 HR and 9 RBI.

After yesterday’s 0-for-6 showing, in 133 plate appearances so far this season, Reynolds has managed a .177/.286/.319 line, with 3 HR and 15 RBI.

Even more annoying though, is that Reynolds has also hardly been better than the guy he was brought in to replace, Josh Bell.

In 2010, Bell hit .214/.224/.302 with 3 HR and 12 RBI in 161 PAs.

Reynolds is being paid $5.3 million this year, and is barely outperforming a much, much cheaper option.

Mark Reynolds’ swing is one of the most disgusting displays of attempted “athleticism” I have ever seen.  His entire body is falling forward as the bat comes through the zone, and he takes his back hand off the bat midway through the motion. It’s reminiscent to O’s fans of how Brady Anderson used to swing when he first got to Baltimore.

At this point, I wouldn’t mind seeing the team send Reynolds down to Norfolk for a few weeks to see if he can’t get at all straightened out. I’m sure it won’t happen, but how much longer can Buck put up with ANYONE in the lineup, let alone his supposed power-hitting corner infielder, hitting a laughable .177?

Mark Reynolds. Nothing but Garrett Atkins in a blond wig.

Lookalikes! Panthers Edition

November 18, 2010

This is the first time the Ravens have met the Carolina Panthers in regular season action since 2006. As this blog has only been in existence since 2007, this marks the first chance for us to go through Carolina’s roster and pick out the goofy and/or familiar looking faces. So, what treasures of ugliness lie buried in the Panthers’ depth chart? Let’s see…

First up, we have rookie defensive end/linebacker Eric Norwood, who looks like he stepped straight out of that Avatar movie:

A movie which, by the way, I’ve still yet to see. I’M BUSY, OK?!

Long snapper J.J. Jansen should be glad this game is being played in Charlotte, and not in Baltimore. He bears a striking resemblance to a guy that many in B’More still loathe to this day, for refusing to put on a Baltimore Colts uniform:

He may be too young to be confused with Elway, but that guy could definitely have come from one of John’s patented “run and shoot” offense plays with some groupie about 25 years ago.

Next on our list is tackle Jordan Gross. Something tells me Gross is going to be prettyyyyyy pissed off Sunday when Terrell Suggs mistakes quarterback Brian St. Pierre for the pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow that is the Panthers’ offensive line, and makes that pot o’ gold his own.

we *may* have doctored Jordan’s photo just a tad

Finally, we come to (injured) rookie quarterback Jimmy Clausen. While searching for pictures of Clausen, it became abundantly clear that there were many who came before us on the “Clausen looks like a goofy ass douche” bandwagon. Seeing as how he played his college ball at the most divisive college in the country, Notre Dame, and also due to the fact that he looks like…he does, this came as no surprise. As a result, we’ll just share some of these older Clausen lookalikes with you…

Hmm…I like where they were going with this, but Jimmy’s eyes strike me as being too close together, as opposed to too far apart, a la Sid from “Ice Age.”

The ostrich combines the silly hair with the googly eyes, to nice effect.

Of course, sometimes the funniest pictures are the ones that require no further explanation or allusion to other images…

Go Ravens.

Lookalikes! Dolphins Edition

November 3, 2010

I discovered something while researching this Miami Dolphins version of our regular Lookalikes! series. In addition to leading the NFL in road winning percentage, the ‘phins lead the league in two other very important categories:

1. Players with dreadlocks;
2. Players with a face only a mother could love.

Seriously, these are some ugly mofos. Let’s get down to it.

Kicker Dan Carpenter has been the Dolphins’ main source of offense lately, kicking 13 field goals in the last three games alone. I’m also pretty sure he plays “Terry” on the hit HBO show “True Blood.”

Next up, we have cornerback Vontae Davis. I don’t know about you, but when I see this face, I can’t help but think “cartoon fish.” I’m not exactly sure which cartoon fish, so let’s just go with “Dory” from Finding Nemo.

Remember how I said they lead the league in dudes with dreads? Well, here is one of those be-dreaded Dolphins, safety Chris Clemons. Something tells me he’s pretty sad about Prop 19 (legalized marijuana) not passing in California.

(and yes, I know I’ve used Marley in a Lookalike! …but seriously, dude looks like Bob.)

Linebacker Channing Crowder, from the University of Florida, is pretty damn good at chasing down ballcarriers. His eyes are also pretty damn far apart on his face. Where have I seen eyes that far apart before….

Oh, right! Mena Suvari, star of such movies as “American Pie” and “Loser.”

Speaking of Florida, tackle Patrick Brown is listed as a Central Florida alum. However, he sure reminds of of a much more famous former quarterback from the University of Florida.

Patrick Brown? Fat Tim Tebow in my book.

Next up, we have second year defensive end Ryan Baker. This guy is right in the mold of other such two-sport superstars as Bo Jackson and Deion Sanders. Baker, however, plays professional football and not baseball, but basketball…where he goes by the name Vlade Divac.

As for the rest of the roster…the damn thing reads like a “Who’s who?” of UGLY ass men. Many of them defy “lookalike” status, as they are just too hideous to compare anyone or anything to without being wildly offensive to that second party. Let’s have a look, shall we?

That’s center Joe Berger, whom it was suggested to me “looks like ‘random college roommate who is high all the time.”

Tackle Nate Garner (IR) showing off his intellectual side.

Linebacker Tim Dobbins. He must be a “bottlenose” Dolphin. ZING!

Presented without comment, linebacker (IR) A.J. Edds:

Rookie tight end Mickey Shuler…

I don’t even know, man. And, finally, tackle Pat McQuistan.

Woof…burnt ginger. I can smell that guy from here.

Wow. Hopefully the Ravens will mop the M&T Bank Stadium turf with Miami here on Sunday, but there’s no telling how long it will take to clean all of the ugly out of the visitors’ locker room.

Lookalikes! Bills Edition

October 20, 2010

The Ravens take on the Buffalo Bills this week, a team they haven’t met since the 2007 season. As such, we’ve never done a Bills version of Lookalikes! up until now, and their roster is just full of goofy and/or familiar looking players. Let’s get down to it…

We’ll start with an easy one. Although we’ve never done the Bills before, we HAVE done quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, back when he was with the Cincinnati Bengals in 2008. Still looking like Emile Hirsch, Mr. Harvard?

Ah, I see you are.

Moving right along then.

Here’s long snapper Garrison Sanborn, who you may recognize from the hit movie, “The Hangover:”

Not so much? Alright, alright we can do better.

Second tight end Jonathan Stupar probably had some awful nicknames growing up, given that unfortunate last name. However, in recent years, he seems to have adopted the simple moniker “Mac.”

Next up, we have eighth year linebacker Chris Kelsay, who is a dead ringer for heavy metal rocker Henry Rollins:

I’m not sure if Rollins ever played football, but I bet he’d make one bad ass linebacker if he did. Much better than Kelsay, anyway.

Speaking of linebackers, fourth year veteran Paul Posluszny was very highly thought of as a second round draft pick from “Linebacker U,” Penn State. However, injuries have plagued him throughout his short career, as he has played in all 16 games just once.

Maybe he wouldn’t get injured so damn much if he didn’t spend all of his down time swinging through trees…

Alright. If you’ve stuck with us this far, through this admittedly (thus far) bland set of lookalikes, you’re about to be rewarded.

Remember the 2003 movie “Bad Santa” starring Billy Bob Thornton? If so, you’ll also no doubt remember the flick’s co-star, this kid:

Well, he’s all grown up now, and is an offensive lineman for the Buffalo Bills! Behold:

Aww, he’s still got those cute fat little cheeks!

Hey, you know what I just noticed? Apparently Buffalo has the “All Goofy Looking White Dudes” roster. No wonder they are 0-5. Unfortunately though, as we’ve seen so far this season, white guys tend to give the Ravens fits (see: Danny Woodhead, Peyton Hillis). Luckily none of the above guys are running backs…

Go Ravens.

Lookalikes! Browns Edition 2K10

September 23, 2010

Make sure you check out our previous editions of Cleveland Browns Lookalikes! here and here.

The Browns, forever in rebuilding mode, seem to have a fair amount of roster turnover year-to-year compared to other teams. As a result, there is no shortage of goofy/familiar looking new guys to poke fun at in this space. Don’t worry though, we’ve included some longer tenured Brownstains as well. Let’s get to the Lookalikes!

We’ll start with the weakest of this edition’s bunch. When I first clicked on new wide receiver Chansi Stuckey’s headshot, I immediately thought “Mike Epps!” Upon further review though…

…the resemblance is weak at best.

Never fear, there’s plenty more (and better) where that came from!

Next up we have a guy that I hate more than anyone should ever hate a kicker. However, for Ravens fans that remember this game, Phil Dawson will always be a mortal enemy.

Before he was breaking my heart with good/no-good/good again field goals though, Dawson provided teenage me with countless hours of entertainment in his previous gig, as Beavis on MTV.

Or at least I thought Dawson used to be Beavis. Apparently I was mistaken, though. THIS guy, whom I stumbled across while searching for Beavis pictures, while not a member of the Cleveland professional football team, really is “The Great Cornholio.”

Speaking of childhood entertainment, let’s go back even further. Linebacker Chris Gocong looks a hell of a lot like “Rufio” from the 1990 children’s classic movie “Hook.”

Let’s just hope he doesn’t go all “bangarang” on the Ravens’ offense.

Joshua Cribbs is unarguably the best player on Cleveland’s roster, and has been for quite some time (thanks, Cleveland front office!) Cribbs doesn’t let his bitterness towards Browns management get to him too much though, as he spends his downtime hosting a popular women’s daytime talk show. And then there was that one time he helped that nice lady get in touch with her dead husband. What a guy.

Linebacker Scott Fujita was a member of the New Orleans Saints last year, and got himself a Super Bowl Ring. He now finds himself wallowing in Cleveland. Man, that sucks. Hell, it’s the kind of thing that would make a guy quit football and take a job as a paper salesman.

GO RAVENS!

Lookalikes! "Batman and Robin" Edition

September 16, 2010

This season’s slate of Lookalikes! at the Nest kicks off with the Cincinnati Bengals.

We’ve had plenty of fun with the Bungholes in this space in the past so be sure to check out the 2008 edition (prominently featuring the late Chris Henry-R.I.P.) here, and the 2009 edition here.

This year we’re going to zero in our focus on two specific Bungholes, one an old nemesis and the other newly acquired by the Thundercats of North Kentucky.

Of course, the two Bengals of which we speak are Cincy’s wide receiver tandem of Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens. These two have adopted the dual nickname of “Batman and Robin,” though some would suggest a more appropriate moniker would be “Dropman and Tweetin‘.” As these two are unrepentant bombastic famewhores, they took the nickname to its logical extreme and held a “Batman and Robin” photoshoot, complete with requisite Cincy Bengals “Batmobile” (Catmobile?)

Well isn’t that special?

When we look at “T.O.” and “Ocho” though, they look like a superhero tandem alright, albeit one of a slightly less dark variety.

Chad has said that he would happily play Robin to T.O.’s Batman. It seems more fitting to us that he play Ace and play with not to T.O.’s Gary.

Duo

At the very least, it will help these two console each other after the Ravens beat them to a pulp on Sunday.

Duo2

Go Ravens.

Look-a-likes: Luke Scott Edition

June 30, 2010

Picture3-1-1.png picture by nestminder

Which one is Luke Scott and which one is Luke Scott’s trade value after a back-to-back home run?

Only the Orioles can turn back-to-back home runs into a bad thing. After Ty “I’m Trade Bait” Wiggington tied the game against the Oakland A’s in the bottom of the 7th, Luke “I don’t want to leave Baltimore” Scott followed with a home run of his own.

After breaking the 6-6 tie, Scott rounded first base at his usual rate of speed (regardless if the ball is in play or  not), and came up limping while grabbing his left leg on occasion. Once scoring his third run of the night, Scott limped down into the club house.

This is just purely unbelievable! Scott, who is one of only few players on this team with any trade value just completely dropped the amount of compensation it will take to get him off our Old Bay covered hands.

It remains to be seen what the extent of Luke’s injury is; some people on Twitter don’t believe it is too serious.

Take this great post from Eutawhooligans for example:
Hooligans


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