Those geniuses over at ESPN.com released their preseason power rankings this week, and the Ravens generated more disagreement than any other team. While Matt Mosely put the purple and black as high as #13 on his list, some numb nuts named Pat Yasinskis put them at #28. This disparity of 15 between high and low rankings was the highest of any team by a long shot, with Tennessee and St. Louis tying for 2nd most disagreed upon with differences of 12 each.
As long as everybody else gets to give out ridiculous rankings four months before the season starts, why the hell shouldn’t we? Thus, without further delay, here are the B’More Birds’ Nest’s offseason NFL power rankings.
1. Baltimore Ravens – Joe Flacco’s eyebrow(s) can throw the ball through the uprights from the 50 yard line. From their knees.
2. New York Giants – Eli Manning. Still unstoppable.
3. New England Patriots – Cheaters never win. Well, except in 2001, 2003, and 2004. And whenever Tom Brady bones other supermodels while Gisele is in Paris. On second thought, cheaters win.
4. Indianapolis Colts – We wanted to put them lower, but a Peyton Manning led team will always be in the hunt. Unless of course his favorite target, Marvin Harrison, is on the hunt elsewhere – for the ultimate prey.
5. San Diego Chargers
6. Dallas Cowboys – The Cowboys return 20 starters from last years’ NFC regular season champions. Pac Man Jones looks to fill spot 21, and luckily for Wade Phillips, Jones’ probation officer plays a mean fullback.
7. Jacksonville Jaguars – Somewhere, Byron Leftwich cries tears of molasses, and wonders where it all went wrong.
9. Cleveland Browns – Brian Billick still pretty sure Derek Anderson sucks, and Jamal Lewis is out of gas.
10. New Orleans Saints
11. Minnesota Vikings
12. Philadelphia Eagles
13. Tennessee Titans – After enduring the sophomore slump and the Madden Cover Jinx simultaneously, Vince Young ready to start trying to direct passes to his own team again.
14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
15. Buffalo Bills
16. Carolina Panthers
17. Green Bay Packers
18. Arizona Cardinals – They’re only 18, but Matt Leinart can totally get them some booze, girl.
19. Denver Broncos – Jay Cutler needs to be careful not to confuse his insulin vials with the vials of sunshine kept around the facility by Coach Mike ShanaTan.
20. Houston Texans
21. Cincinnati Bengals
22. New York Jets
23. St. Louis Rams
24. San Francisco 49ers
25. Chicago Bears
26. Detroit Lions
27. Miami Dolphins – The Big Tuna’s Big FUPA can only do so much with this mess of a team in year 1.
28. Kansas City Chefs – Yes, I said Chefs. I need a Snickers.
29. Atlanta Falcons – Brian Billick still pretty sure Chris Redman sucks.
30. Oakland Raiders
31. Washington Redskins – Hey, at least since Skins’ fans have a new baseball team to root for, they no longer have to deal with having the worst owner in two different professional sports.
32. Pittsburgh Steelers – Because they suck like Steely McBeam sucks down beers before he has to get behind the wheel. Of this. ZING!